Ambition is not a Dirty Word

Ambition Is Not A Dirty Word By Debra Condren, Ph.D.

 
"A defiant charge to women to 'reclaim ambition as a virtue'… 'Wouldn't it be inspiring if you could acknowledge straight up, to yourself and to others, that you have big, wild and precious professional goals?' Condren's corrective manifesto urges women to pry apart the bars of 'common self-imposed traps' which cause ambitious women to 'sell themselves short'… "

Recommended Book on OprahSelects
(formerly titled AmBITCHous)

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The Day My Son Almost Died

I make my living teaching women how to unapologetically own their ambition in a society that has a double standard. It’s our prevailing cultural paradigm: ambitious men are go-getters, but ambitious women are the b-word.

I define ambition as that which drives our creative existence, provides an outlet for our talents and passions, defines who we are, and allows us to earn our full worth without apology. I walk my talk.

But just like you I take hits.

In a moment of trauma, I too succumbed to those deeply ingrained cultural beliefs about how women are supposed to behave. It happened to me when my son almost died.

The S.O.B. Diet: Silda Spitzer & The Sisterhood

We women always try and look on the bright side. Case in point: a friend who was going through a painful divorce and custody battle said to me, “Well, at least I’ll lose a few pounds—I’m on the Son of a Bitch Diet.”

Her husband—father to her children, ages two and four—had been having an affair. She kicked him out. He begged her to try again. She took him back. Several months later, she discovered he was back with his mistress.  He couldn’t help himself, he tearfully explained to his wife, his mistress was “the best friend I’ve ever had.” (Not surprisingly, he didn’t end up with the mistress after their divorce.)

After all that stress, my friend had shed her Mom jeans and was back in her skinny jeans.  She was right—the so-called Son of a Bitch Diet is the one surefire diet that works.

SAME OLD STORY: CLINTON'S CAMPAIGN PROVES THAT THE SCARLET LETTER FOR 21ST CENTURY WOMAN STANDS FOR AMBITION

I'm traveling through the Little Rock, Arkansas airport hours after meeting in New York with a group of women to talk Hillary and women and ambition. Exiting security, the first thing I see, through the airport bookstore's window, is a large black and white poster of a photograph of Hillary, Bill, and Chelsea walking up onto a podium. The caption reads:

"Get Ready to Pary Like It's 1992".

Don't put on your party shoes just yet. There's still a hill to climb. And not just over substantive differences between candidates. Hillary's up against the same old story: it's tough being a working woman--and her campaign proves it, say female execs. They may or may not back her, but successful city women say  Clinton's travails show what they're up against.

Tory Johnson, CEO, Women For Hire, workplace contribitor on "Good Morning America" and anchor of "Home Work" on ABC News Now called a breakfast meeting to talk about what successful working women are saying about Hillary Clinton. Tory's resulting article was originally published in the New York Post, February 25, 2008 and is reprinted with permission below.

SISTER ACT: Tory Johnson (center) talking Hillary and careers with (from left to right) career coach and business psychologist Debra Condren, Working Mother Media CEO Carol Evans, attorney Sara Newman and Hyperion Books publisher Ellen Archer.

Guest post by Tory Johnson, CEO, Women For Hire.

LOVE her or hate her, win or lose, successful working women are talking about Hillary Clinton.

But it's not her politics that have them fired up. What getting under their skin is a laundry list of gender-nuanced issues brought to the fore by  Clinton's run for the ultimate corner office.

CNN: Political Name Calling: Sen. McCain & The B-Word

CNN's Out in the Open with Rick Sanchez, entitled:"Political Name Calling: Sen. McCain & The B-Word"Aired Friday night, Nov. 16, 2007

Beat the Bitch? Straight Talk on the B-Bomb

John McCain wants to be the next leader of the free world, and he gives a free pass to someone calling his opponent a "bitch", calls it "an excellent question"? And it took him endless obfuscating just to be able to rally to say, "I respect Hillary Clinton"! Never confronting the dropping of the B-bomb? Are you kidding me?

ONE OF MY KIND: BOYCOTT BAD GIRL PERSONAS

Elvira's blood-sucking sidekick?

Titillating French maid/cheerleader/Paris Hilton cellmate? 

Stroll the aisles of your neighborhood costume shop, and you'll find hundreds of opportunities to "get in touch with your feminine, erotic side."

Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bees and Wanna Bees, says that teen girls take advantage of "Halloween immunity"--a one-day pass to dress sexy and trashy without fear of censure. Women young and old say it's the one time of year they get to show a side of themselves that normally lies hidden beneath the Brooks Brothers suit. Some even argue that dressing like Hooters girls is a kind of feminist empowerment, with women calling the shots about how they want to look and dress. 

I'm not buying any of it, and neither should you.

Getting High or Getting By?

Cross-posted with HuffingtonPost.com

Women who telecommute, at least part time, tell me, "I have a killer job."

The pièce de résistance of their professional setup? "I can work from home when I need to. I can bend my work schedule around my child's needs."

Turns out, that's a mixed blessing. It's a killer job, all right--and it's killing them.

Poor Mad Woman$$

The Nice Girl/Angry Woman Paradox

by Kimberly Blessing / KBlog

Originally Posted by Kimberly August 7, 2007 at KimberlyBlessing's Blog

In this recent study, Yale post-doc Victoria Brescoll has found that a woman who shows anger in the workplace is likely to be seen as incompetent and out of control. In order to achieve status at work, women may have to behave calmly in order to be seen as rational. In fact, an “angry” woman is also likely to make less money than an “unemotional” woman, though in either case is still likely to make less than a man.

No wonder why so many women end up adopting a “nice girl” approach in business. But you know what? That doesn’t work either — at least not for the woman trying to always be so nice. That’s why I’m glad to see that Erica wrote up her 5 steps to stop being too nice. I was also pleasantly surprised by the book Ambitchous by Debra Condren, which promotes embracing ambition as a virtue, standing up for one’s self, and being authentic in order to be achieve success on one’s own terms and to be happy with one’s life.

I could go on at length about the “nice girl/angry woman” paradox, but I won’t because I resolved this internal conflict a long time ago. Ultimately I only care about being authentic, because when I’m not true to myself, everything else in my life goes to hell.

His Versus Hers: We Moved In Together And Now He Resents The Time I Spend On My Small Business

By Dr. Debra Condren, author of amBITCHous

Dear Debra:  I moved in with my boyfriend six weeks ago. Suddenly, he constantly criticizes the time and money I devote to my small business. He thinks I ought to go back to work “at a regular corporate gig, where I have a 401k, insurance, benefits, and a steady, predictable income and hours”. He resents it when I have to work sometimes at night and weekends “when we could be spending more time together”.

From my perspective, we spend a ton of quality time together and nothing has changed since we moved in together, except for his attitude. I’ve worked long and hard to get to where I am with this business. I have a prestigious M.B.A. I’ve done the "working for a Big Five consulting firm" thing; that trained me well, but also showed me that I’m built to work for myself, not for someone else. My business is profitable now (only barely, but still!). I split the rent and expenses with him, so that’s not an issue. (I subleased my apartment, so that expense is covered as well.) I love what I do and, until now, thought that my boyfriend supported my career goals. He's not part of the business, so how do I tell him to back off? –Feeling bait-and-switched at 31.

Dear Baited: You need to acknowledge that your question goes to the fundamental dynamics of your relationship—with your boyfriend and with yourself. Are you giving away part of your power to a partner who may not fully support your ambition? Think about it. How is it that he knows how much money you spend on your business? (By the way, does your boyfriend clear his investments and work schedule with you? I’m guessing not.) You’ve gotten into a pattern of either asking—implicitly or explicitly—for his approval, or you’ve allowed him to cross boundaries rather than setting firm limits and a precedent that communicates, “This is my business. Period. Share in the excitement with me, offer constructive feedback if and when I ask for it, but don’t presume to tell me how to conduct myself.”

 

More questions to ask yourself:

- How much of your mental air time and emotional energy that could be fueling passion for your work is being sapped by engaging in these confrontational debates?

- Do you end up feeling guilty or angry when you sit down and try to single-mindedly focus on your business?

- Do you second-guess yourself each time you need to pull out your checkbook to fund something for your business?

- Have you talked with your boyfriend about your feelings? Have you spelled out what's rubbing you the wrong way, what you'd like to have change in order to feel supported?

- Have you asked him to talk about his feelings, what's really concerning him, and what his perspective is?

- If your boyfriend’s lack of respect for your professional independence, your ambition goals, and your commitment to investing in your business continues, then what? Are you going to be happy, now and long-term?

These are the questions you need to be asking yourself—and also discussing with your boyfriend, assuming you are invested in the relationship. If you are, these talks can be a way to deepen your relationship as a couple, and well as to figure out how to get the support you deserve for your individual and joint professional and personal goals—and these conversations should be ongoing to keep your partnership strong and healthy.

Or, your discussions may yield signs that you should move on. (And by the way, it was smart to sublease your apartment—I always advise women moving in with a partner to hold on to their homes for a year or two, if possible—just in case.)  If you do decide to move on, be sure to assess, before committing, whether future potential partners respect and value your big, precious ambitious goals—and the contribution you owe it to yourself and the world to make.

You can have a rewarding career and a happy personal life, including children—this isn’t an either/or choice—and anyone who pressures you to think otherwise is, essentially, asking you to sacrifice a core part of who you are and what matters to you.

Gangs Of New York

By Dr. Debra Condren, author of amBITCHous

Dear Debra: I’m a 27-year-old junior associate at a small New York advertising firm. My team is developing a pitch for a new, big-deal client my boss is trying to land. Everyone is jumping on the bandwagon to support a campaign that is, in my opinion, disastrous. When I’ve raised questions about problems we ought to consider and alternative creative ideas we could kick around, the guy who came up with the campaign shoots me down by saying things like, “What, are you nuts?!”, or “Nice try, but leave this to the big boys” (I’m the only woman on the team, in addition to being younger than everyone else.) People are either silent or snicker. Because this guy is more senior than a lot of us, popular, and a charismatic persuader, it seems that no one wants to speak up to brainstorm other ideas, much less challenge his pitch. We’re meeting with our boss next week for a strategy meeting. I have a great idea, but I’m afraid to put it out there. –Talented rookie that hates confrontation

Dear Talented: Deciding to confront can be harder for a woman when she is being ganged up on—especially when those ganging up on her are attacking her expertise, or suggesting that she is being emotionally reactive, or acting out of naiveté.

One of my clients, “Jackie”, 34, a senior executive in the biotech industry, was ganged up on by a board that wanted to make a risky financial decision without consulting either a transaction attorney or a certified public accountant. When she raised the warning flag of “Hey, this could be bad,” the board said, “Oh, we know how conservative and fearful you are.” They made her professional prudence into a psychological baggage issue. Because there were so many of them and only one of her, she faltered and thought, “Is this really a fear-based concern on my part? Am I not willing to take the big financial risks to get big financial return?”  This caused her anxious hours until she had a coaching session.

I advised Jackie to insist on a transaction attorney and a CPA and that this board should not be making huge financial decisions without due diligence. She realized that the fact that they were rushing to do so made it suspicious. She decided to stand her ground and insisted that they run it by the appropriate financial professionals.

It’s hard for women to stay centered in the face of being belittled, particularly by a group. Don’t let this dynamic cause you to doubt your creative instincts, your expertise, or your willingness to do your job. You’re being paid to produce your best ideas. Speak up in the meeting. Make sure you’re heard, even if you initially get dissed or people interrupt. Best case, your idea gets picked up. Worst case, you earn respect for having the guts to have and fight for your opinion.